way beyond mere depression...

april was bad.  i have become used to the level of effexor in my current dose and spent the month feeling hopelessly sad and buried in a pit of almost irresistible inertia.  i was constantly thinking of things i wanted to do and even made reminder notes but hours would pass while i sat blankly surfing stumble upon or brushing the cats.  now THEY like it when i'm immobilized by misery because there is a constant lap.  one leaves, the next one plops down and i, feeling the way i was, found it almost impossible to budge them off my lap.
easy to tell how much better i'm feeling, i can't blog when i'm wrapped up in the blue-black blanket of despair.  even with better-living-thru-chemistry i still get the shakes leaning out over the void.
i am so tired of pain.
i stopped drinking every evening.  i loved it, i loved the sensation of warm numbness like body and brain being lowered slowly into a pool of anesthetic.  everything became gentle and amusing, i loved life, the universe, everything.  having a couple shots of vodka every afternoon was like hitting the reset button on my life.  i'd wake up in the morning ready to start over from square one but not drinking feels like the day never ends.  sleep doesnot feel like a reset but rather like short break in an endless confusing and exhausting day.   even not working, it still feel like i never get a break or a reset.
  i've never been a mean drunk or violent but when i am already depressed i get snotty and sarcastic and cruel even tho i don't mean to be.  the alcohol lets the bitterness and misery escape.  so i let myself have a bomber of some craft beer friday and saturday night.
i am even cutting that down to only on friday night because i weighed myself last week and i'm up to 213 pounds.  i spent 90% of my adult life floating between 155 and 170 so everything from my waist down is screaming.   so no more flan or pudding, tortillas and peanut butter, butterfingers, or sody-pop until i break 175.  losing 38 pounds shouldn't be hard as long as my knees and feet are ganging up on me.