it sucks to be me, it sucks so much i really hate being me.  so i go to the neuralogist and she runs thru some basic tests and i tell her how my memory works, or rather doesn't work.  and finally she tels me that one, i show no signs of dementiation (dementiation? what kind of a word is that!) and two, that i have a different brain and there ain't nothing going to make it better.
   this diagnosis really did not surprise me, it was pretty much what i expected.  sucks, sucks, sucks!
   before i was medicated and calmed down i could deny it, forget it, blow it off and drown it in vodka.  i haven't been able to escape the anger and frustration for years.
   i really hate living like this.  i can't remember what i want to remember, only the worst of times and even then it's blurry like watching a plane crash thru a dirty window.  every moment of every day, and often in my dreams, i feel like i am on the verge of being able to recall my past, my life, my friends, it's like a terrible sneeze that won't fire.  and i know how much i can't remeber, i know what i am missing and it drives me and tantalzes me.   most of the time now i feel like i am about to just curl up into a ball and scream.  i'd like to d that but what's the point?
   nothing is going to change, there's no magic, just same miserable fog of bis and pieces of memory swirling around inside my head like a billion crazed moths around a guttering candle.
   sucks, sucks, sucks to be me.  it suck to be so so aware that so much is missing and know that i will never get it back.  
SUCKS!