I have been at war with myself so long that I know longer know what my natural state is.
Soldiers have said that they have never felt so alive as they are when in combat. Despite the fear, pain, and horror, the in-the-moment state of awareness is a satori/peak experience that can not be described nor understood. It has been described as the "it is here, it is now" moment, like orgasm, that cannot be both experienced and observed at the same time. You can know the moment before and the moment after but never ever the moment OF.
I make the point of saying war with, not war against, myself. I and myself in a purifying dance balancing between self-destruction and enlightenment. The only respite from the fury comes with alcohol.
It is said that 'in vino veritas', in wine truth. Not that you will find truth by drinking but that drinking will reveal your true nature. I have the great good fortune to be a gentle happy drunk rather than a mean one. The benefits are many, my bones don't ache nor does my mind, I tend to giggle a lot, kittens amuse me, even thinking about kittens amuses me, in general I find myself looking at myself and humanity in general with bemused affection.
The disadvantages are less pleasant but no less valuable to me. I don't mind hangovers, they are part of the package, but alcohol does make it difficult to work with sharp objects and power tools. But since it is a break from cruel self analysis, it is even more enjoyable by contrast as in "why did the idiot hit himself on the forehead with a hammer all day long? Because it felt sooo gooood when he stopped".
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